We all love watching crime dramas, where criminals are smart and scary, yet always get apprehended in the end. Real life doesn’t work that way, and many criminals walk free. But many criminals are also inept, careless, and downright stupid. Whenever you’re feeling down about all the crime that happens in the world, take heart: Some of these people are far too stupid to ever pull off a real crime. But they are fantastic for a good laugh.
Facebook Burglar Trevor Jones
When it comes to dumb criminals, this kid is a real winner. The Georgian broke into someone’s house in 2011 and logged into his Facebook profile while he was in the house. The kicker is, he forgot to log out, meaning he left his personal information on the screen like an idiot calling card. He also left his car running and unlocked in the driveway, with his wallet sitting inside. When the homeowner arrived and turned off the getaway car, Trevor jumped into a nearby pond. Oddly enough, though, he managed to evade capture and left puddles in someone else’s house.
Well-Dressed Nudist Milton Hodges
In 2012, a 20-year-old Floridian named Milton Hodges robbed a Lowe’s store with a knife. To get away, he hopped over a fence into a nudist colony. Once there, he used a knife to threaten the nudists and stole a golf cart. He made it easy for the police to find him because he was one of the only people in the colony wearing clothes. Maybe he should have stripped down before stealing that golf cart. Wonder if an arrest records search would turn up anything else as genius as this?
John Szwalla’s Edible Evidence
In 2009, North Carolina teenager John Szwalla tried to rob a store with what was ostensibly a gun under his shirt. Except it wasn’t a gun, it was a banana. The store owner and a customer managed to tackle Szwalla. While they were waiting for the police to arrive, good ol’ Johnny ate the banana. Was he trying to destroy evidence, or did his failed robbery just make him hungry? We’ll probably never know. He didn’t eat the peel, though, which got photographed.
Mitchell Deslatte and the State Trooper Hotel
Louisiana man Mitchell Deslatte drunkenly drove his truck to what he thought was a hotel. He knocked on the door, walked inside, and asked for a room. He then found out he’d walked into a state trooper station, where the troopers arrested him for a DUI. It was probably the easiest arrest of the day. Maybe the real question is what the station looked like if it could be mistaken for a hotel.
Stephan Crane’s Trail of Candy
A Montana man broke into newspaper Ravalli Republic’s office early one Tuesday morning. He wisely chose to use the company computers to watch pornography and log into his personal social media accounts. He used a fire extinguisher to spray the room and left, but not before snagging some trail mix and M&Ms. His sister lived just across the hall, and he dropped bits of his trail mix from the newspaper office to his sister’s apartment. The police had an easy time following the trail and finding Crane. They got a full confession.
Chipotle Detective Adan Juarez Ramirez
In 2008, Texas man Adan Juarez Ramirez decided it was his time to become a police officer. But instead of applying for a job and taking the requisite exams, he cut some corners, got flashing lights for his truck, and made his own ID badge. He tried to pull over a couple using his DIY police car, but they didn’t buy it and called the real police instead. When Ramirez got picked up, the police found his fake police ID. He’d made it from a Chipotle gift card and left the restaurant’s name in plain view.
Anthony Garcia: Murder He Tattooed
Back in 2004, a shooting occurred at a Pico Rivera liquor store. For four years, the police hadn’t apprehended the criminal. Then, in 2008, they picked up a man called Anthony Garcia for driving with a suspended license. When they took his mug shot, they also took pictures of his tattoos. A big chest piece depicted the shooting, which one of the detectives recognized. The police characterized the tattoo as “offensive,” but disgusting or horrifying might be better words. Regardless, that tattoo helped get a first-degree murder conviction.
Michael Anthony Fuller’s $1 Million Wal-Mart Transaction
In late 2011, 53-year-old Michael Anthony Fuller tried to pay for a purchase at a North Carolina Wal-Mart with a counterfeit bill. Now, that’s stupid enough as it is because every retail store has ways of checking for counterfeit money. However, Fuller took it a step further, using a bill that doesn’t even exist: a $1 million bill. The Wal-Mart clerk wasn’t buying it, but Fuller insisted it was real. Wal-Mart ended up calling the police, who arrested him.
Sharpie Masks for Matthew Allan McNelly and Joey Lee Miller
Two young Iowa men attempted to break into someone’s home. They were wearing hoodies and masks, and the burglary victim was able to give the police a description of the car before the two drove away. The police stopped the car a few blocks later, only to discover that those “masks” were actually made with marker. Instead of wearing ski masks or pantyhose, these two drew all over their faces with permanent marker. Needless to say, they were still very recognizable. The police took the mug shots with the marker still on the perpetrators’ faces.
Whatever mistakes you’ve made in the past couple of months don’t seem so bad now, do they? At least you never drew on your face with a sharpie or tried to rob a store with a banana under your shirt. As long as people live in the world, dumb crimes will happen, and you will get to laugh at them.